


Re-Educating Bucky

by Jodlet



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Female Reader, Mental Illness, Vomiting, abuse in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 07:52:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15432411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jodlet/pseuds/Jodlet
Summary: What happened to Bucky after he saved Steve? How did he adjust to his new life in Romania? With a little help from his next door neighbour and plenty of courage.





	1. Learning to crawl

**Author's Note:**

> Transferring from my Tumblr. I make no money from this and I also own none of the characters... except the reader

Her new neighbour was strange.

He lived alone and he only seemed to come out at night, a cap always obscured his face and all she knew was that he was a tall man who seemed overly neurotic. She had watched him on the stairwell, always checking over his shoulder, glancing around corners and she knew he knew she was there – he would freeze and his head would turn in her direction but he never let her see his face. Her neighbour didn’t sleep well, she could hear him walking around, pacing, she thought that perhaps he was working out. At four every morning she heard his door creek open and close, one morning she poked her head out and watched him pull on the stair rails, testing their strength and then he would take off running like he was being chased, up or down the stairs and when she’d followed him he had simply vanished. He returned through the front door and she had stared long and hard… the only way he could have left was to jump out of a window and that just wasn’t possible.

He was living on protein bars and water, it was all that was in his trash, not that she was going through it but he didn’t tie his trash bags and she happened to notice. She also noticed that he wore the same clothes most of the time but they were always clean, he hung them over the balcony to dry from what she had seen. After three months of listening to the mystery man through the wall she finally had enough, she had made extra stew that night and knocked timidly on the stranger’s door.  
She waited quietly before knocking again, ‘Hello?’ still no answer, 'I’m from next door, I made too much food and I don’t have a freezer so… well, I’ll leave it out here.’

She had left it outside his door and gone back to her own little apartment, sitting quietly she listened for his door to open and smiled when it did. The next morning she found the dish she had left him clean and dry in front of her own door. Strangely he’d left a ripe plum in it for her and it soon became a habit for her to provide him a hot fresh meal at least once a week and he would leave her a plum.  
Finally she had grown bored of the little exchange and the next time she knocked on his door she had a secret weapon, 'I have a pie – it’s a plum pie and it’s warm. You have to open this door to get it and I’m not leaving.’ It was like trying to tempt a stray cat, offering him food and being patient was her only plan, 'Please…’

Minutes passed, the only sounds were the echoes from other people’s apartments and then she heard his footsteps followed by the locks on his door. She expected to be invited in but instead he slipped out of the smallest gap of the door and stood in front of her, tall and awkward. His shoulders were hunched in like he was trying to be as small as possible and his eyes – steely blue – scanned about nervously, his brunette hair was tied back and she was rather surprised at how handsome he was. Her neighbour was actually quite skinny in just a long sleeved top and jeans, she found it odd that he was wearing gloves but this was Romania and men were always a little odd in this building, 'Most guys would invite me in, I’m Y/N.’

He licked his lips and she found herself mesmerised by them, pink and plump and so perfect that immediately she wanted to kiss him. Luckily he didn’t notice as he was still looking around and then finally he settled his eyes on hers, 'It’s untidy…’ his voice was quiet and low, 'I’m…Bucky.’

Y/N smiled at him and held up the plate, 'Well, now that I know you’re real and not a ghost I’ll let you have this.’ She tilted her head toward her door, 'I made some sauce to go with it if you want to come in… I got some coffee – American style.’  
Blue eyes looked back at his own door and then to hers, she could see him thinking it through and he looked to be struggling before nodding minutely. He followed her cautiously and she tried to ignore how he checked around her apartment for danger, 'It’s only me here,’ her reassurance fell on deaf ears and she gestured to the little dining table, 'Make yourself comfortable.’ She sat opposite him with her own plate and put the sauce down, 'As much as you like. Bucky’s an odd name, you from the country?’

'New York…’ He shoved the pie into his mouth as if she would take it away from him, eating quickly and looking like he wanted to run away as soon as he could.

'America?!’ Y/N exclaimed, putting more food on his plate out of habit, 'You’re American? Which part of New York? Have you seen the White House? Are there cowboys? Does everyone really own a gun?’ He must get asked these questions all the time she thought, she knew it was probably annoying for him but she had always wanted to visit America or anywhere but Romania really, 'Why are you living here?’

Bucky’s fork paused at her questions, his eyebrows creasing together as he debated on whether to answer or to leave… some of the questions he didn’t even know how to answer because he didn’t honestly know. She looked at him with such curiously bright eyes though and licking his lips he tried his best – something in him just couldn’t refuse a girl anything. 'I don’t know.’ 

'You don’t know what?’ Her head tilted slightly in question.

'Anything…I forgot.’

Nothing was said for a long moment and Bucky began to fidget and Y/N knew that he was about to bolt. 'I made you coffee!’ She got up quickly and put the mug down in front of him, he seemed the kind of guy who had manners and wouldn’t leave a plate or cup full – she played on that to keep him just a little longer. Sitting back down she was a little gentler this time, 'Do you have that thing where you forget things over time or did you maybe have a head trauma?’

He glared at the coffee, he wanted to leave but she’d made it for him especially, he was stuck a little longer it seemed, 'Head trauma. I was a soldier and it happened during a war.’ He knew that much was true, he’d let her assume it was some sort of accident and not that he was experimented on, 'I forgot a lot of things… I remember all the bad stuff but…some of the memories filter in from before…’

'Before the war?’ Bucky nodded, 'That’s good then!’ She smiled at him and his lips twitched up at the corners for the briefest of seconds, 'You should keep a diary of stuff you remember or maybe things that look familiar – pamphlets, news articles or things he heard a stranger say. My aunt had Alzheimers, not the same thing you have but I get it a little, so if you need anything just knock on the door.’ She’d begun to view him almost like a lost or abandoned pet, he had had a home and now he didn’t seem to have anything, it was sad that his own country didn’t seem to want to help someone who had fought for it and now he was discarded so far away – with seemingly little of anything. 'Even if it’s late at night… I can hear you walking around into the early hours mo-’

'I’m sorry.’ His apology was quick and his eyes were regretful as he looked at her, 'I don’t sleep well. I didn’t mean to keep you awake too… Sorry.’

He looked like he spent a lot of time saying he was sorry, something about his expression made her chest ache and all she wanted was to comfort him, 'It’s alright. I’m awake studying anyway…Why don’t you sleep?’ 

Part of Bucky wanted to ask her what she was studying, wanted to learn a little of her but in the back of his mind he knew not to ask questions, not to learn anything he didn’t need for the mission – this wasn’t a mission though and despite knowing that he couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

Comply.

Realising he had been silent the brunette muttered a quiet sorry and cleared his throat a little, 'I feel kinda nauseous at night… wakes me up.’ Along with the nightmares. ’…I… I need to go…’ He could see too many places for people to get in and not enough for him to escape, it made him nervous and he could feel his knee begin to bounce in agitation, 'Can I…come back? Here? Maybe tomorrow?’

'Dinner’s at six,’ She positively beamed at him, 'I hope you like sarmale.’

-

Bucky visited her every other day for two weeks, he’d spend a few hours with her, answering her questions and slowly he began to relax a little in her presence. He opened up to her just the tiniest bit, something as simple as tell her what he liked to eat, what his favourite drink was and that he thought he might be allergic to violets. It was a start.  
He had even started to ask her a few questions, he didn’t talk much but he was a good listener and she was pleased that he kept coming back. 

One evening she could hear him pacing the floor of his apartment, Y/N had been trying to sleep and just as she was drifting off Bucky had gotten up. For twenty minutes he was moving and then there was a rush of his feet followed by the undeniable sound of the man throwing up. The last week he hadn’t seemed well, she had noticed his face had been pale and almost gaunt, he had seemed weak, shaky on his feet and just the night before his hands were noticeably trembling. She got out of bed and threw on a cardigan before walking across the room to put her ear to the wall. He was still being sick, it sounded awful and when it seemed to stop he would start again, Y/N sighed and padded out of her apartment to knock on his door. 'Bucky… Bucky!’ 

She could hear him stumble inside and again she knocked, 'You need to let me in, please, Bucky. Do you need a doctor? I’m going to call an ambulance!’ 

A muffled shout came from within and she paused, waiting as she heard him come toward the door and as usual he came out into the hallway rather than let her in. 'Y-you can’t…call anyone…I’m…’

'You’re really ill.’ His hold on the door slipped and Bucky lurched forward, she caught him with a surprised yelp and stumbled with him in her arms – she thought he would have been heavier. 'Oh god… You’re burning, Bucky.’ Y/N struggled with him but managed to get him inside her apartment and onto her sofa, 'I’m going to get you some water…’ Whilst filling the glass she was startled by him rushing toward the bathroom to begin vomiting once more. Following him Y/N placed her hand on the centre of his back, 'Bucky, this isn’t right – you need a doctor!’

'No!’ His reaction was violent, he threw himself away from her and the impact of his body with the wall shook the shelves above them. He was panting hard, shaking and sweating as if he were simply too terrified to do anything else, his expression was a mixture of pain and fear. Y/N gave him space, a little frightened of the wildness he was displaying and he shook his head lightly at her, tried to convey that he wasn’t going to hurt her, 'I-it’s withdrawal… I used to get a-alot of treatment,’ he spat into the toilet to rid the taste of bile from his mouth before continuing almost breathlessly, 'N-nothing for months… I can’t see a doctor – no one. T-they’ll take me back… I can’t…’

Y/N was stuck to the spot, unsure of what to do but try and help him, 'Take you back?’ Take him where? She had thought that he was just lost in the big, wide world but this sounded a little more serious. The way he always looked over his shoulder and his wariness of every, little thing began to make more sense – was he being chased? She knew she should get out of there, call the police or something but looking at him, seeing how small he was trying to make himself as if to simply vanish… He needed help so badly.   
Balling her fists she steeled herself against her own fears and asked him, 'Are you dangerous, Bucky?’

'I don’t want to be.’

His confession hurt her like a physical blow and without thinking Y/N rushed forward and wrapped her arms around him. Bucky practically yelped and his hands flattened against the wall behind him – fighting the instinct to defend himself. He stopped breathing entirely, eyes squeezed shut and body frozen as he waited for pain, something he now associated with any physical touch. 

None came though.

Y/N was simply holding him, arms around his shoulders and her head tucked against his neck – didn’t she know he could crush her? All he had to do was wrap his arms around her middle and squeeze all of the air out of her…  
She pulled back the smallest bit and her hands cupped his fever flushed cheeks, her thumbs stroking his clammy skin as she looked him over seriously, 'Then you don’t have to be dangerous. It’s your choice.’

Choice…

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been allowed to choose anything for himself. Bucky could feel the hot sting of tears behind his eyes and he closed them, fought against the surge of emotion he didn’t want or know how to deal with. She pulled him close again, wrapping her arms around him and combing one hand through his hair, encouraging him to rest his head on her shoulder so that she could just hold him. Y/N held him tight as he shook and sobbed against her, cooing gently that he was safe, that she was going to look after him and never once did she tell him it was okay or that he didn’t have to cry – she told him again and again to let it out. He didn’t fight the sorrow or fear or guilt in his heart, Bucky wept until he had nothing left, until he could only tremble weakly against her and finally he fell asleep.

-

He woke up the next day in her bed, vaguely aware that she’d helped him stumble to it and he remembered she had wanted to get his shirt off but he’d told her no. Inhaling deeply he was hit by the barely there scent of her perfume in the soft pillows and the mattress was softer than his own, Bucky sat himself up with a groan, confused at first that the bed was so far from the floor – she had a real bed rather than a mattress on the floor. A door opened behind him and he jumped, scrambling further along the bed until he realised it was just Y/N coming out of the bathroom, she froze too but very slowly she continued to dry her hair with the towel, 'Good morning. How are you feeling?’

’…Kinda rough…’ Everything hurt, his chest, his stomach, muscles, his head – everything. 'I’m sorry for last night.’ He made to leave and she rushed toward him, once more causing him to reel backwards in an almost panic.

'Please don’t run!’ If he left then she just knew he would never come back, 'I’ll make you some breakfast, you can use my shower if you want and then we can talk or not. I’m worried about you, Bucky.’ Her hands were screwing up and twisting the towel nervously, 'Please don’t leave.’

Bucky bit his lip, his body only half turned to her and he was the picture of someone too broken to think they’d ever be fixed. 'I need to wash and get changed… Maybe I’ll come back later…’ 

'You don’t own any other clothes.’ She told him bluntly and he looked away, ashamed to be caught in his own lie, 'I’ve got clothes that will fit you, I’ll wash the ones you have but just stay.’ Heading to the dresser’s bottom drawer she pulled out a pair of lounge pants and a long sleeved top, 'These are clean and you can keep them.’

She was holding them out to him and Bucky hesitantly took them, 'Whose were they?’

'My husband’s.’ Y/N smiled when his eyes darted to her left hand and his frown deepened, 'He wasn’t a very nice man and I threw him out months ago – not seen him since.’ She was long over it, she’d cried over him and now she was content to live her own life, 'I married way too young but at least now I can do what I want to do.’ Her hand reached for a loose strand of his hair, he flinched but he let her tuck it behind his ear, 'I want to be a carer and even though you’re not ninety something, you can be good practice.’

'Ninety something…’ He murmured with a ghost of a smile, 'You don’t know the half of it, doll…’ He headed into her bathroom and shut the door.

The first thing she noticed when he came out was how much smaller he looked and that he still wore a glove on his left hand, he looked a little better than the night before but he was definitely gaunt. She had a feeling that the only meals he was eating were the ones she made for him. 'I made you some peppermint tea in case your stomach doesn’t feel too good and I made some toast because I didn’t know what you could handle.’ They sat at the table like they’d done so many times before only this time he seemed too defeated to have his guard up – it was like he was waiting for a deserved punishment as he nibbled on the edge of the toast with downcast eyes. 'Let me make this clear. I don’t care about your past, where you’re from or even why you’re here. If you want to tell me then you can but you don’t need to – I just want to help you. You don’t seem to know what to do with yourself or even how to look after yourself, I could feel your spine through your clothes last night…you’re not eating properly. I know your head’s all over the place and you’re on your own but you don’t have to be.’

He didn’t answer her, he was certainly listening and he felt grateful for her kind words, they were so sincere. When had he ever been treated with such care or concern?   
'I guess I need a little guidance.’ Bucky admitted, 'I’m used to being given an order and just following it… everything else was done for me.’

-

It turned out that Bucky was too paranoid to do any real shopping, he avoided anywhere with CCTV and never went far from the apartments. He had plenty of money, American money that she had exchanged in order to stock his fridge properly, she spent one of her days off cooking food that he would be able to freeze and simply heat up later. He came to her every night for dinner and they had the unfortunate discovery that Bucky was unable to take any sort of medicine without becoming violently sick. She had pretended to be ill from work so she could stay in her home with him and tend to him through his withdrawal, he wouldn’t let her into his apartment still but it was easier to care for him in her own. 

She had almost called an ambulance on his worst day, when his body had convulsed and she had honestly thought he was going to die in her bed. He had pulled through and she had admired his strength to struggle up onto his feet – he always got up again.  
His health improved after that, he was stronger, his mind more focussed and though she still heard him walking around at night it was because he was so absorbed in writing in his notebooks and not feeling ill. It took a few more months but he would go with her to shop, still looking over his shoulder but a little more open to go places – to actually live his life.

'Bucky!’ His head turned toward her voice, searching over the racks of clothing until he found her waving from across the store by the changing room. He made his way over to her and a small smile appeared on his lips as he saw the simple navy blue dress she was trying on, 'What do you think?’ She gave him a little turn and he nodded, 'With these shoes though?’

Bucky looked at the flat shoes and shook his head, 'Nah, you need heels, you got good legs and it’s a shame not to use them to your advantage.’ 

'He hates when I wear heels.’

'You’re not his wife anymore – who cares what he likes.’ Y/N still talked about things her husband liked and disliked, like the man was still haunting her and trying to influence her decisions. She would always nag at him for his bad habits so he would nag her about this. 'Do you like wearing heels?’ 

She looked down at her feet with a little smile, 'I do…’

'Then let’s go,’ His right elbow jutted out, his hands in his jacket pockets, she took his arm and they walked the few feet to the shoes, she was a little nervous leaving her things in the changing room but Bucky had a strange sense for things like that – she thought he was a secret ninja. 'Try those,’ Y/N reached for the heels he pointed out and keeping hold of his arm with one hand she slipped them on . Standing up straight she grinned at how much taller she was now, Bucky only now half a head taller than a whole head, 'Can you walk in them?’ He walked a little with her, chuckling lowly when she sort of waddled beside him, 'Heel, toe…heel, toe. You can almost walk in them, I guess. Can you dance in them?’ 

This time Bucky turned and pulled her to him as if to dance and she almost squealed, 'Nobody goes dancing anymore!’ He would say the oddest things at times and it was almost as if he were in the wrong era, she didn’t mind so much as she was pressed to him, Bucky always felt so warm and he had gained so much weight she could no longer feel the bones under his skin. She had always found him handsome but now that he was no longer gaunt and had a healthy glow about him – he was almost irresistible. He still seemed wary of his own shadow and it was both parts funny and heartbreaking. 'Your abs are so hard I’m starting to think you’re made of metal!’

'Not all of me,’ her head tilted in question and he shook his head with a strained smile, 'Don’t worry about it. You got everything you need?’

Giving a nod Y/N headed toward the changing room, she could tell he was getting antsy and she was proud of him for making more of an effort to come out with her. She finished up and met him at the front of the store, the walk wasn’t far and he reminded her that her date was at six, 'I know…I’m nervous though. We should look at getting you a girlfriend!’

’…I don’t think so.’ He gave her her shopping bags and unlocked his door, 'Tap on my door when you get back – so I know you’re okay.’ They went their separate ways, Bucky pulled out one of the meals she still insisted on preparing for him and threw it in the oven, he made sure his apartment was secure before pulling his hoodie and long sleeved top off. It was the middle of summer and yet he dressed as if it were autumn, hiding his arm and identity under all of the material. His neighbour didn’t know about his arm, about his scars or what he had truly been through, so many times he wanted to tell her but he was terrified she’d see what he really was – she’d realise that the thing she gave so much kindness to was a monster.  
Bucky spent the evening writing before fitting in a workout, he had so much energy these days it was hard to expend it all, he waited for Y/N to leave her apartment and stopped his light exercise for shadow boxing against the wall of their homes. He avoided sleeping for as long as he could, nightmares plagued him still but he found that wearing himself out kept them at bay for an hour or two.

Hours later he heard her walking up the stairs, a man’s voice mingling with hers and Bucky found a bitterness invading his mind. He turned onto his side on the bed, ignoring the odd feeling whilst trying to get his mind to rest, Y/N seemed to be saying goodnight to her date, a moment of silence and then her voice muffled through the wall with a stern tone – her date wanted to come in. She said no and then his ears picked up a gasp, he was up in an instant, a top pulled over his half naked form and then he was pulling open his door to glare at the stranger. 'Y/N?’ He called her quietly, making sure she wanted him there.

'Bucky,’ Her eyes were wide as she looked back at him, wondering how she must look with the other man caging her against the wall, 'I want him to go.’

'Oh, come on, we were having a good time!’ The man had had a little too much to drink, 'You’re a guy – don’t you think she’s being a prude? I’ve been nice all night and now I can’t even get a leg over… you get it right?’ 

Bucky advanced on his like a predator, stalking toward the man in six steps and grabbing his shirt collar, 'Shut up.’ The brunette yanked him across the hallway and shoved him toward the stairs, fixing him with a glare that promised violence Bucky lowered his voice to a whisper, 'You ever go near her again and it will be the last thing you do on this earth.’ The man turned white as a sheet and nearly fell down the stairwell in his desperation to get away.  
Bucky’s cold eyes followed him until he was out of the building, he let out a breath to release the malice and rage in his chest, 'You alright?’ He turned to face her, walking to Y/N’s side and rubbing her shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting manner, 'I heard you through the wall…I didn’t…I mean…’ How did he explain he was worried about her without having to explain the tight, uncomfortable feeling in his chest when he realised she might kiss the man or even allow him into her apartment.

'Thank you, Buck,’ she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his right shoulder, 'He was really nice up to that point.’ He returned her hug weakly, still not used to affectionate touch even though she had never once harmed him, 'Why do I keep picking up all the jerks?’ Bucky shrugged and she parted from him with a half smile, 'I’m just lucky I guess. I’m turning in, sorry I made you get out of bed…’ As she spoke she had been patting his shoulders and when something felt odd her voice trailed off. Her gaze began to turn toward his left side, a glint of metal catching her eye from a gap in his top, she had never realised the lack of warmth or the hardness of his left arm before. With her eyebrows furrowing she opened her mouth to ask, 'Bucky, wha-?’

'Good night, Y/N.’ He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, a recent development, and quickly vanished into the safety of his apartment. She was left confused and unsure – perhaps she had had more to drink than she thought?

She walked to his door and rested her ear against the word, listening inside for him but hearing nothing she put her hand to the door and smiled, 'Good night, Bucky.’


	2. Learning to walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She knows he's a monster but he hopes she'll open her door

Y/N had several dates throughout the next few months, none of them lasted a second date and it was one evening when she realised something. She wanted a polite man who pulled her chair out for her, who listened and didn’t make her feel boring. She wanted clear blue eyes and dark hair that looked cashmere soft, and stubble…perhaps with a good body.

Someone more like Bucky.

She wanted Bucky.

And once she had realised that, her dating life was over and she would be content to spend the evening watching Bucky write almost single minded into a new note book. Y/N laid out on the sofa, a book in her hand whilst her other hand gently stroked through his, now short, hair. She had been shocked to see her neighbours shorn locks, it had stuck up in odd places and he’d asked if she could tidy it up for him before showing her an old copy of a photo. At first she had thought it was the style he liked, then she realised that it was Bucky and imagined it was one of those fun fair vintage shots. Years were shed from the brunette in just a few snips, he looked younger and a little lighter with the new style, as if he were trying to recapture something that he didn’t quite know he’d lost.  
Bucky paused in his writing and leaned his head back on the sofa, shifting slightly on the floor he had chosen to sit on, ‘How can I tell how much of this is real?’ His eyes landed on hers and she paused in rubbing his scalp, finally realising she was doing it.

Y/N rested her book on her chest and pursed her lips in thought, ’…Do you believe your words?’

'I’m not sure I trust my own mind. It helps to write though, it helps that I can look back at them and edit out the wrong things. Some of it… I don’t know to believe… happy things…’

'You don’t think the good things are real?’ She sat up and placed her feet on the floor, looking down at him with a tilt of her head, 'You must have been happy, you have smile lines and everyone has happy memories.’ Y/N wouldn’t say it out loud but the rare occasions that Bucky smiled she could barely breathe at how beautiful it was. Genuine.

Bucky’s eyes looked back down at his notebook with a concerned expression, 'I… I’m not sure. I must have been, I used to love going out, I dated a lot of girls and laughed with Steve… He was my friend.’ his voice dropped then, 'We got separated during a mission and then I forgot him…’ He didn’t usually talk about what he wrote or even what he remembered and Y/N sank down to the floor to sit beside him, 'I forgot what side I was on and I hurt him.’

'What do you mean you forgot what side?’ His stare had become blank, his body froze and even his breathing seemed to stall as he thought silently to himself, she waited quietly and risked sliding a little closer so that their clothed shoulders were touching. 'Whatever happened, whatever you did after you lost your memory isn’t your fault – You’re a good man, Bucky, I’m sure of it.’

Bucky took in a shuddering breath before rising to his feet suddenly and taking his things, 'I’m not a good man, doll… I remember that much.’ Bucky’s smile was more of a grimace and he left her apartment quietly, it wasn’t an unusual thing for him to do when he needed time to think or if he remembered something he didn’t seem to like. She knew he would hide himself away now – she wished he would let her share his burden.

Bucky had more nightmares that night, she could hear him screaming through the wall and Y/N sat on the floor with her hands on it, willing him to calm down and come to her, to seek comfort but she  knew he wouldn’t. Unable to sleep even after his apartment had gone silent she opened up her little laptop to study… only a strange curiosity led her to open up a search engine and type in “Bucky” it yielded hundreds of results but then a word popped into her head, one she had spied in Bucky’s note book – “Barnes” “One o seventh”.

-

A day and a half passed before a knock jolted her in the middle of washing up her dishes and the cup she had been cleaning shattered on the floor. Y/N had been waiting for him, nervous and unsure what she would do when he finally showed up, what she had found out couldn’t have been true – the man she had read about on the internet couldn’t be her neighbour. Bucky’s voice muffled through the door to ask if she was okay and hesitantly she shuffled toward the door, her hand hovering over the handle and her mind all over the place.

“I don’t want to be” 

Y/N remembered the words he had told her in a moment of such vulnerability she knew they could never be a lie. Perhaps she had always known he was dangerous but she trusted him – this new knowledge she possessed didn’t change what Bucky wanted to be. She had looked after him and he had protected her. After a deep breath to calm her nerves and opened the door, 'H-hey…’ She couldn’t look him in the eyes and she knew he noticed it but he didn’t ask, 'You surprised me, Bucky.’ Gesturing to the mess on the floor she carried on, 'I’m just going to clean up…’  
Without seeing if he was listening Y/N turned back to the kitchen to clean the pieces of the cup she had broken.

'Let me help,’ Bucky said and made to kneel next to her, 'I made you jump, right?’ 

'I can do it,’ she insisted and batted his hands away a little to quickly, 'It’s just a cup I can do this myse- ouch!’ He was quicker to take her hand, wanting to make sure she hadn’t cut herself too deeply but she tore away from his touch, 'Don’t!’

Bucky backed away silently and she foolishly looked up at his face, he looked stricken, eyes downcast and his demeanour shrinking in on himself, making himself small and trying to physically make himself almost vanish all for her benefit. He must have known that she knew. Looking at him so timid and confused made her wonder for the millionth time if he was really this so called Winter Soldier.   
'I’m sorry…’ he mumbled and tugged on his left sleeve nervously, 'I’ll go… Leave.’

Y/N gave a sigh and stood up, sucking the blood oozing from her finger and staring at his back as he made to go, he had said leave and she knew if he left the apartment she would never see him again. ’…James.’ She watched his back tense, watched his feet stumble over themselves and then, so slowly, he turned his body back around to face her, looking everywhere but her, 'That’s your real name…right?’ She noticed his hands were shaking, that his whole body trembled and his lips drew into a thin line, 'Just tell me the truth.’ 

The silence in the small apartment was deafening, they were only feet away from each other but it felt like a chasm and both were stood too close to the edge. Y/N wrapped her arms around herself, unconsciously protecting herself from what he might say, her lungs felt heavy from the anxiety building in her – would Bucky hurt her?

No. Of course he wouldn’t.

Bucky bit into his bottom lip, balled up his fists and stared down at the floor, horrified that she knew, terrified that she could see what he really was. A liar, a murderer, a weak minded man that only hurt every thing around him – An asset. ’…My name…it’s James… I…I’m…I was…’ He couldn’t speak through the thick lump in his throat, tears burned a path down his cheeks as shame and guilt and disgust welled up inside so intensely he thought he would be sick. 'I’m Bucky now…’ his eyebrows drew together and he tried a weak smile, more for himself than Y/N, 'Bucky.’

All she wanted was to go to him and gather him up in her arms and tell him it was alright, 'Are you still The Winter Soldier?’ She had to ask, had to be sure that he hadn’t lied to her all this time before offering that comfort, that he hadn’t simply used her whilst he planned on harming others.

Wet, blue eyes raised to meet hers and she hated seeing how lost he looked, how childlike and desperate he was as he choked on his own words, 'I…I d-don’t want to be!’

'Then you don’t have to be… It’s your choice.’ Bucky’s fingers twitched, wanting to reach for her but his feet couldn’t move, he was asking her silently for comfort but he knew she was frightened of him and was too nervous to even attempt to hope she would come to him. Y/N took the four steps required to reach him and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling his head into her shoulder and comforting him as he sobbed into her shoulder. How could someone so big be so frightened all the time?  
Y/N got them both to her sofa, sitting beside him for a long time in silence, waiting for him to calm himself down and was finally able to glance in her general direction, 'Do you want to tell me? The truth…all of it now that you can’t hide from me anymore? Because I’m so confused, I don’t know if your my amnesiac neighbour or a nineteen forties soldier or… this Winter Soldier person?’

His fingers carded through his hair, pulling at small handfuls of it out of frustration and anxiousness, 'All of them.’ Bucky admitted.

'That would make you nearly a hundred years old, Bucky…you…that’s impossible.’ Her expression scrunched up in confusion and she let out a heavy breath to show her own frustration.

'Cryogenically frozen.’ He saw her eyebrows scrunch together further and then returned his gaze to his knees, 'They would fill me full of drugs and freeze me in a tube, defrost me for a few months at a time and then do it all over again. The world kept moving and I was stuck over and over and… They scrambled my brain, changed my body against my will.’ Bucky’s voice was low and quiet as he told her what he could remember, he told her the tiny amount he could recall of his real life, when he was young and happy and free. He told her what HYDRA had done to him and what the organisation stood for, he spared her the details of the torture and simply told her that they drugged and electrocuted his mind into compliance. Hours passed by, his voice long gone hoarse and both slowly succumbed to the exhaustion of the emotions being thrown around until they simply sat in the dimness of dusk.

Y/N stood up stiffly and walked toward the kitchen, slightly dazed by everything she had heard, 'I’ll… Do you want a drink?’ She had barely made it to the kettle before she let out a pained squeal, forgetting the broken cup on the floor, she had stood on a piece.

Bucky rushed out of his seat and grabbed her up into his arms, murmuring about her clumsiness and placing her onto her bed, 'First aid kit still under the sink?’ At her nod he fetched it for her, opening it up and settling himself on the ground to tend to her wound, 'You didn’t say anything…’

'About what?’ Y/N winced as he pulled the glass out of her foot and pressed a cloth firmly to the bleeding, 'Everything you said? I don’t know what to say, I don’t know where to even begin or even help… I’ve thought so many different things these past few days, I wondered who you were, what you had done, if it was even true and now… now I know that you went through so much abuse and I still don’t know the half of it.’ It was so much to take in that Y/N was dizzy from it. How did Bucky get out of bed every morning with so much weighing on him. He was gentle with her, his thumb gently brushing her ankle as he tended her, both of them glad for the distraction and Y/N couldn’t help but murmur, 'I was so arrogant to think I could make everything better for you…’

'You have, Y/N,’ Bucky’s steely blue eyes looked into hers, earnestly and without the usual dark cloud hanging over him, 'I’d be dead if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t have gotten this far without you and I can’t count how many times I wanted to tell you the truth… I didn’t want you to leave me.’ He was trying to catch a tiny sliver of glass with his gloved hands, lips pursing in concentration and trying not swear.

Y/N gently pulled her foot from his hands and caught his hands in hers, 'Bucky… I couldn’t leave you if I wanted to. Take your gloves off. It’s a metal arm, right?’ She had read the stories about Winter Soldier, that he had a cybernetic arm and could use it for all sorts of things really, most of it she didn’t understand but she had read the theories on websites. He made no move to take them off and Y/N had to resort to more underhanded tactics, 'You can get the glass out without the gloves, right? Please, Buck, it hurts…’ It was a slight exaggeration of the truth and she had a feeling he knew that, she knew he had a weakness for pouting lips and sad eyes, he knew she knew.  
Slowly Bucky removed his right glove, his flesh hand something she had seen on occasion but she watched in rapt fascination as he hesitantly slid off the left glove. Shiny metal fingers were revealed to Y/N and she was astonished how perfectly they were formed and contoured, just like his own hand coated in metal – it even moved like a real hand. With a nervous clench of both he took her foot again, 'I thought it would be cold.’

'A lot of moving parts and wires… it gets warm.’ The sliver of glass came out and he began treating the cut, again glad for the distraction, 'It’s not too deep, it’s just gonna hurt a few days. I wish you’d wear something on your feet – this is the fourth time this year.’ Not that Bucky ever wanted her to get hurt but he was relieved she was so clumsy today, it gave him a reason to stay at least a little longer. 'I’m ashamed, doll.’  
She didn’t answer him right away, instead she waited for him to raise his eyes to hers and very slowly she took her foot from his hand, putting it down carefully before cupping his jaw so gently it was barely even a brush of skin. Where did they stand now? Y/N wasn’t sure, he had told her so many half truths, hidden everything that made him himself and now that she knew, now that she could see he was as frightened of her as she had been… He looked so pathetic knelt in front of her like a sad, loyal puppy.

Y/N coaxed him up to sit beside her on the bed, 'When I read all of that stuff about you I was scared, I didn’t know who you were anymore, if I was being used or even if I could trust you. I was dreading that knock on the door today but at the same time I wondered “Has he eaten today?” “Is he alright?” and “Is he taking care of himself?” I still worried about you.’ Bucky’s head nodded slightly and she continued, 'When I first met you, you were barely able to look after yourself. You weren’t eating properly, you didn’t even seem to know how to function on your own and you seemed terrified of your own shadow. You were a wreck and I thought a few times that you were going to die in my arms. But then… you trusted me. I had no idea of the abuse you’d been through and just how precious your trust is. I don’t think that was a lie, Bucky.’ Her hands had fallen again to take his in hers, not caring how different his hands felt or the way he frowned down at them, 'You don’t have to be ashamed of what others made you do.’ Y/N’s fingers traced the metal wrist of his hand and she took a deep breath, 'I want to see your arm.’

'Why?’ 

'Trust me?’ Bucky’s lips parted, a protest dying on them when he looked her in the eye – he owed her this at least. He let out a sigh and nodded his consent before sitting quietly and waiting for her to make the first move. 'We’ll go slow and you tell me if you need to stop, Bucky.’ Cautiously she reached for his hoodie and pushed it down over his shoulders, letting him shrug it off before she traced the hem of his long sleeved top. Bucky pulled his body away, 'Bucky, pl- ’

He cut Y/N off quickly, worried he would lose his courage to speak, 'It’s ugly, Y/N. I lost part of my arm in the fall and then they…they took the rest. The metal is threaded into my skin, into my bones and the scars…’ 

'It’s okay.’ She tried to reassure him, 'I’ve seen you in some pretty bad states.’ With that the man nodded more to himself than her and pulled his shirt over his head, his hair getting tousled by the collar as it came off. Y/N’s eyes didn’t go straight to his arm, they lingered on the bare skin she had never seen before, marvelling at how the skinny man she had helped stand was now lean and sculpted –  proud that he took the time to keep himself fit. She hoped he did it for himself rather than out of habit of being an assassin, her fingers tensed and flexed as she resisted touching his hard stomach and instead she carried on studying his almost flawless skin. She had expected him to be littered with wounds like in the movies, she expected knife scars and bullet holes but there was very little of his life before. Except his left shoulder.  
Y/N breathed in sharply, her hands coming up to smother her gasp and shield him from the whimper she wanted to release though tears welled up in her eyes. It was like nothing she had seen before, it wasn’t a limb that attached but rather a part of him, ’…Bucky…?’ her voice shook, barely above a whisper as she asked him, 'What did they do to you?’ She could see the way his skin seemed grafted over metal, that the ligaments that should have been flesh and muscle were replaced with wires and cords of metal. 

Bucky’s hand came up to cover as much of the scar as he could, conscious of it and a little protective, 'They sawed it off and peeled my skin back… Ripped out the pieces of bone and muscle that didn’t fit or got in the way – I was asleep when they did it but I remember hearing it. The sound of the saw as it spun and tore into me…’ His fingers pressed into his skin a few inches from the metal, 'They rebuilt a lot of my muscle and reinforced my bones. It’ll never come off completely and it’s deep enough that my nerves have grown into it, there’s tiny little wires that became part of my nervous system – I never asked for it. I never wanted to be made into a weapon.’

'It doesn’t have to be a weapon, Bucky!’ Y/N’s voice barely hid how frustrated she was with his self depreciating, she wished she could take that away from him and show him that he wasn’t some sort of villain. 'Can I touch it? Will I hurt you if I do?’ Bucky shook his head, letting her know it wouldn’t be painful but he was hesitant to let her raised hand close, leaning back slightly from her in an unconscious manner until he almost fell backwards on the bed, then all of a sudden her palm was resting on his body, unmoving on the seam of flesh and metal. 'Warm,’ she murmured, 'You’re not cold or uncaring, you’re not some puppet left on the shelf until someone decides they want to play with you. All those things they wrote about you and theorised – they’re wrong. You’re warm and kind… Even after what’s been done to you.’  
His skin was scarred, the flesh pink and almost raw as if it had only just begun to heal, 'How long do you think you’ve been awake all together?’

Bucky’s head tilted slightly, lips pursing as he took a deep breath in and thought on her question. He was too aware of her hand on him and his mind felt fuzzy because of it, 'Um…I…’ he cleared his throat, 'Few years…Think I slept longer than I’ve actually lived…’ Letting out a bitter laugh Bucky made to move away from Y/N’s touch.

A few years made sense, she guessed his skin had only just started to mend properly, Y/N followed his movement until she was forced to move and was straddling one of his thighs in an attempt to trap him there, 'Stop running away. You don’t have to run all the time, Bucky. Please.’ His expression twisted into something between distress and his need to show no feeling, to protect himself, his jaw clenched and he looked away from her – though he didn’t make another move to leave. 'I’ve got some cream if this still feels tender…’ Her fingers traced feather light along the very edge of skin, feeling the contrast of the metal and when she let out a sympathetic sigh the plates of his arm fogged up, ’S-sorry,’ she wiped at the metal without thinking and then stopped, 'Oh my god, was that…I don’t know – Was that insensitive? Wiping you down like a steamed up mirror?’

'Wouldn’t be the first time,’ he looked up and his blue eyes widened as he abruptly realised how close her face was to his, he could see a kind sort of pity in her eyes but her expression was somehow comforting, 'I don’t mind. You’re not hurting me, doll.’  
Bucky licked his lips nervously and let his eyes slide away from her to the floor, finding it hard to look at her, that was until he felt soft lips on his own. He knew he should pull away and tell her no, that she was making a mistake or perhaps it was pity but it had been so long… The simple kiss tingled and warmth seemed to spread through his veins to the very tips of his fingers and toes. 

When was the last time he’d been kissed?

Y/N pulled back slowly, shyly looking at him through her lashes as Bucky sat frozen, she wasn’t even sure if he was breathing, 'You’re trembling.’ Her hands ran through his short hair in a soothing manner and she smiled gently when his eyes met hers – he was almost child like with his bewildered expression, 'Helloo?’

'…’ His lips moved but he seemed unable to form words and then he gave a half grin, cheeks a little pink in the most endearing blush she had ever witnessed, 'Hey.’  
An uncomfortable clearing of his throat had Bucky moving back a little, pointless with her half sat on him, 'Why did you kiss me?’ He looked at her in confusion, eyes shining hopefully as he searched her features for some sort of lie or trick – he wasn’t used to gentle touches, didn’t quite trust that physical contact could be kind and part of him needed her to reassure him.

'Because I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time… You can’t have a plush mouth like that and not expect to be kissed.’ It was barely out of Y/N’s mouth when the brunette’s eyes widened as if he had been shocked by electric, 'Bucky?’ She grabbed his biceps in alarm but then a strange little smile flitted onto his lips, 'Bucky?’ Y/N asked again

'What you just said, about my lips and being kissed,’ his expression seemed brighter, recognition lighting him up, 'I remember a girl said that to me once before…When I was young.’ His fingers reached up to stroke her cheek, 'She had a pretty pair of earrings that she loved and we used to dance…she was older than me and…’ A grin broke out on his face, sheepish and sweet to witness, 'She took my virginity.’

She sucked in her bottom lip, still watching him carefully only this time she felt a tiny spark of jealously, 'Do I look like her?’

Bucky’s hand took hers from his arm and he held it gently, that same half smile on his face that he knew she liked, 'You don’t. You’re you and she was…she wasn’t. I’m here with you, doll, in this time and in this place, I know I get things jumbled up and I forget stuff but I know where I am. I know who I’m with.’ 

'Do I kiss like her?’ Y/N didn’t really know why she had asked but when he took her chin, tilted her head up a little and kissed her softly… she didn’t think much more on it. Y/N’s arms wound around his neck, her mouth surrendering to his as Bucky slowly deepened the kiss, almost as if he wasn’t sure how, he re-mastered the art quickly enough and when they parted Y/N let out a shaky sigh as her eyes fluttered open. 

Bucky’s arm gave a soft whirr as he pulled her closer, the plates shifting quietly when he placed his hand on the small of her back, 'I told you. I know who I’m with.’


End file.
